Vanity Where

I had a very stimulating conversation with this chick the other day over coffee. Now, stimulating to me usually meant, something where I could argue and counter-argue till the cows came home. And the person at the other end gullibly plays into my hands. Thinking naively that I must be smart and can talk on any topic under the sun. The experienced ones are now in on the secret and don't even give me the time of day if they have anything better to do. But anyway, this chick was apparently a noob. So yea, I had this conversation with her. Off-late, I consciously try to improve as a person by avoiding those kinda conversations. But sometimes you've just gotta indulge.

So this chick started with something like 'You know whats wrong with this world? Everything is so frikkin pretentious.' I saw a window, nay highway, of opportunity, decorated with flowers and red carpets leading upto it. Inviting me to arrive at the stage which I am so adept at occupying annoyingly. (Note, I am too chicken to actually occupy a real stage, lest you start painting an inaccurate picture of me. The only stages I grace are the ones I create in my mind. And boy, did I rock that scene once!) So anyway, she said this thing in a pretty serious manner. And I had to dig into my now discarded repertoire to come up with something that looked just as insightful. Here, I want to point out that I have (or had?) this annoying habit (actually a sub-habit). No no...not the one where I write too much stuff in brackets. Its the other one. Whenever someone says something that is important to them, I have to showcase my intellect by saying something like, "Well what you say is perfectly right...However...there are like a million points that I think you are missing..." Go ahead...you laugh now...but trust me, it is very annoying. I have had it done to me too, and I can relate with all those who I have pained on that one count. Some people tell me this trait is typical of the city I come from. I think that might be true. Dunno.

So back to the conversation. She complained of how everything around us was pretentious and how that was the reason for all misery. I quipped, "Well..you are right...but you know what I think? I think things would still be better if the world pretended well. The problem is not so much that everything is pretentious. Its that everyone sucks at pretending." Again, like a true noob, she gave my words some thought. And I could see a nice session brewing. Conversations over coffee. Isn't that what these chains charge you a bomb for? Well, thats a different scam altogether. Trust me, hot guys making intersting conversations sell their coffee. Not the other way round. Coffee or tea or booze or whatever is only incidental. These coffee chains should be sharing their profits with me. I dare them to take me off the scene in the middle of a conversation and put in some average guy. We'll see how long the conversation sustains then. We'll see how much interesting discussion that overpriced coffee fuels. Anyway, this can be the subject of another post. Now back to the convo.

So I said the world was in the shape it is in because everyone (mostly) sucked at pretending. She asked me to elaborate (rookie mistake again). I gave her an example. "Lets take our shitty tabloids for example. Undeniably and totally pretentious. Yet, badly so. They generate words like glitterati and chutzpah and what not to describe lame things. This business of making up words and attaching them to regular concepts to make them look exciting is the backbone of pretentiousness. Right? But they do a shoddy job there too. Look at the real cool things in the world. They always have cool names. Agreed. So when you want to make something look cool, it should first have a catchy name. For example, the 70s were universally accepted as really really cool. I say its because of the name of that decade. The Seventies! How cool does that sound. On the other hand, look at the decade that we are in right now. What name does it have? The OOs? The units? You see...no cool name. Is it any surprise that this decade sucked total ass then?"

I saw that look of adulation and adoration in her eyes. Like she had just heard something simple, yet profound. She must have been thinking, I had such insight on regular topics. I must be a smart guy. And I decided to drive that car till the fuel, in this case biogas, ran out. "So you see...its the name that defines the cool. If only the powers that be focused on applying the principles of pretentiousness for popularising the real cool stuff before getting on to the vain stuff, the world would still be a better place. I say, first have a name for this decade. Then coin words to describe irritating celebrity couples."

"Well, that is right...you have a point." What! I had a point? Ok. They don't make girls like her anymore. Thats for sure. I decided to push my luck still further and squeeze in some more bullshit. "You know what. I should just come up with a sexy name for this decade and patent it. How about calling it the Ravis? We'll of course spell it more pretentiously. Like the Raviez or something. I could patent it and earn a royalty everytime some fashion rag used it. If there is anyone in this decade who has really had fun, they could tell their grandkids later in the 30s about how much fun they had in the Raviez. As things stand now, there is no name they have to remember this decade by. I could also patent an abbreviation like Rz. You see...all this would count as pretentiousness. But smoothly executed. If everyone was so good at it, the world wouldn't be in this shape. Thats what I live for. Making this world a better place."

That was it. She was floored. She was thinking, "This guy has everything. He is smart and fun!" Thats how its done. Thats how you nail the chicas. Not by driving swanky cars and spending oodles of dough. But by making stupid convo. And believing in what you say. The key is to come up with interesting stuff on the go. I came up with some more crap. "You see, I can cite evidence to support my case. Take restaurants for example. What fancy names they have for all their stuff. Aubergine for vanga, Okra for bhendi, Bell Pepper, Caper, Farmers Bread, Cottage Cheese....blah blah. Believe me, we would have much leaner people if they named dishes for what they tasted like. But thats the key. You name something cool and it will sell." Done. This girl didn't have a chance. She made a mistake by giving me an opening to this convo. And I snatched the microphone and turned it into my own tonight show.

Man, do I miss the good old times. Looking forward to more khaavi. And even more fun stuff.