Mera kuch saamaan tumhare paas pada hai
saavan ke kuch bheege bheege din rakhe hain
aur mere ik khat main lipti raat padi hai
woh raat bujha do, mera woh saamaan lauta do
mera kuch saamaan tumhare paas pada hai

Patjhad hai kuch...hai na?
patjhad main kuch patton ke girne kee aahat
kaanon main ek baar pahan ke laut aai thee
patajhad kee woh shaakh abhi tak kaanp rahi hai
woh shaakh gira do, mera woh saamaan lauta do
woh shaakh gira do, mera woh saamaan lauta do

Ek akeli chhatree main jab aadhe aadhe bheeg rahe the
aadhe sookhe aadhe geele, sukha to main le aaye thee
geela man shayad bistar ke paas pada ho
woh bhijwa do, mera woh saamaan lauta do

Ek so sola chaand ki raatein ek tumhare kaandhe ka til
Ek so sola chaand ki raatein ek tumhare kaandhe ka til
geeli mehendi ki khushboo, jhooth mooth ke shikwe kuch
jhooth mooth ke wade bhi sab yaad karaa do
sab bhijwa do, mera woh saamaan lauta do
sab bhijwa do, mera woh saamaan lauta do

ek ijaazat de do bas, jab isko dafanaaungee
main bhi vaheen so jaungee
main bhi vaheen so jaungee

Renowned scientists in a highly reputed laboratory recently conducted a detailed study to compare two very different yet oddly similar types of misfortunes known to the human kind- a gun-shot in the chest and heartbreak. Here are excerpts from their findings:

• It was found that at their worst, a gun-shot in the chest was just as painful as heartache. The intensity of pain described differed between subjects, but it wasn't enough to discern between the two mishaps.
  
  
• Gun-shotees, as opposed to heartbreakees, were thankful that their pain, while intense, didn't last for extended periods of time. They said they hit the bottom right after the mishap and then felt a rapidly dwindling pain at isolated times during the day in the following period. Heartbreakees however, couldn't say which period was less painful than others. In a few cases, the subjects said their pain increased progressively; a few said each day was just as painful as the previous one, ever after. Reportedly, not many subjects recovered totally. Ever.
  
  
• Among those that had been unfortunate enough to experience the same pain more than once, shotees said that after their first time, each of the next times weren't as painful. Heartbreakees on the other hand said each progressive heartbreak left them 'a thousand times more devastated than the previous one'.
  
  
• Commonalities between the two mishaps included inability to breathe at a lot of times during the day, heavy dependence on those around, sobbing, recurring memories of the incident, the lead up to it, and the happy times before that, inability to attach a rational explanation to it, and general disillusionment.
  
  
• When asked to describe their most stark thoughts at the peak of their plight, those who were shot at feared "Oh God! I am going to die". On the contrary, those with broken hearts said "Oh God. I wish I were dead." In a significant number of cases, the heartbreakees said they would have preferred if the breakers of their hearts had, in fact, shot them in the chest with a gun.

Based on these findings, scientists have dared to pass a verdict: A 'meh' for gun-shot and a 'No price is too high to avoid it' to heartache. The chief scientist justified this verdict saying, "It was a really difficult choice to make. However, the thing about heartbreak is that you don't die from it. You should, but you don't. It leaves just a bit of life in you to make you walk around all day like a zombie. The pain is just as much as a gun-shot. But everlasting. You could guard yourself against a gun-shot, expecting or watching it as it came, but heartache gets you much more surreptitiously.

And while gun-shots have clear-cut culprits, with heartache you don't know who to blame."

Vanity Where

I had a very stimulating conversation with this chick the other day over coffee. Now, stimulating to me usually meant, something where I could argue and counter-argue till the cows came home. And the person at the other end gullibly plays into my hands. Thinking naively that I must be smart and can talk on any topic under the sun. The experienced ones are now in on the secret and don't even give me the time of day if they have anything better to do. But anyway, this chick was apparently a noob. So yea, I had this conversation with her. Off-late, I consciously try to improve as a person by avoiding those kinda conversations. But sometimes you've just gotta indulge.

So this chick started with something like 'You know whats wrong with this world? Everything is so frikkin pretentious.' I saw a window, nay highway, of opportunity, decorated with flowers and red carpets leading upto it. Inviting me to arrive at the stage which I am so adept at occupying annoyingly. (Note, I am too chicken to actually occupy a real stage, lest you start painting an inaccurate picture of me. The only stages I grace are the ones I create in my mind. And boy, did I rock that scene once!) So anyway, she said this thing in a pretty serious manner. And I had to dig into my now discarded repertoire to come up with something that looked just as insightful. Here, I want to point out that I have (or had?) this annoying habit (actually a sub-habit). No no...not the one where I write too much stuff in brackets. Its the other one. Whenever someone says something that is important to them, I have to showcase my intellect by saying something like, "Well what you say is perfectly right...However...there are like a million points that I think you are missing..." Go ahead...you laugh now...but trust me, it is very annoying. I have had it done to me too, and I can relate with all those who I have pained on that one count. Some people tell me this trait is typical of the city I come from. I think that might be true. Dunno.

So back to the conversation. She complained of how everything around us was pretentious and how that was the reason for all misery. I quipped, "Well..you are right...but you know what I think? I think things would still be better if the world pretended well. The problem is not so much that everything is pretentious. Its that everyone sucks at pretending." Again, like a true noob, she gave my words some thought. And I could see a nice session brewing. Conversations over coffee. Isn't that what these chains charge you a bomb for? Well, thats a different scam altogether. Trust me, hot guys making intersting conversations sell their coffee. Not the other way round. Coffee or tea or booze or whatever is only incidental. These coffee chains should be sharing their profits with me. I dare them to take me off the scene in the middle of a conversation and put in some average guy. We'll see how long the conversation sustains then. We'll see how much interesting discussion that overpriced coffee fuels. Anyway, this can be the subject of another post. Now back to the convo.

So I said the world was in the shape it is in because everyone (mostly) sucked at pretending. She asked me to elaborate (rookie mistake again). I gave her an example. "Lets take our shitty tabloids for example. Undeniably and totally pretentious. Yet, badly so. They generate words like glitterati and chutzpah and what not to describe lame things. This business of making up words and attaching them to regular concepts to make them look exciting is the backbone of pretentiousness. Right? But they do a shoddy job there too. Look at the real cool things in the world. They always have cool names. Agreed. So when you want to make something look cool, it should first have a catchy name. For example, the 70s were universally accepted as really really cool. I say its because of the name of that decade. The Seventies! How cool does that sound. On the other hand, look at the decade that we are in right now. What name does it have? The OOs? The units? You see...no cool name. Is it any surprise that this decade sucked total ass then?"

I saw that look of adulation and adoration in her eyes. Like she had just heard something simple, yet profound. She must have been thinking, I had such insight on regular topics. I must be a smart guy. And I decided to drive that car till the fuel, in this case biogas, ran out. "So you see...its the name that defines the cool. If only the powers that be focused on applying the principles of pretentiousness for popularising the real cool stuff before getting on to the vain stuff, the world would still be a better place. I say, first have a name for this decade. Then coin words to describe irritating celebrity couples."

"Well, that is right...you have a point." What! I had a point? Ok. They don't make girls like her anymore. Thats for sure. I decided to push my luck still further and squeeze in some more bullshit. "You know what. I should just come up with a sexy name for this decade and patent it. How about calling it the Ravis? We'll of course spell it more pretentiously. Like the Raviez or something. I could patent it and earn a royalty everytime some fashion rag used it. If there is anyone in this decade who has really had fun, they could tell their grandkids later in the 30s about how much fun they had in the Raviez. As things stand now, there is no name they have to remember this decade by. I could also patent an abbreviation like Rz. You see...all this would count as pretentiousness. But smoothly executed. If everyone was so good at it, the world wouldn't be in this shape. Thats what I live for. Making this world a better place."

That was it. She was floored. She was thinking, "This guy has everything. He is smart and fun!" Thats how its done. Thats how you nail the chicas. Not by driving swanky cars and spending oodles of dough. But by making stupid convo. And believing in what you say. The key is to come up with interesting stuff on the go. I came up with some more crap. "You see, I can cite evidence to support my case. Take restaurants for example. What fancy names they have for all their stuff. Aubergine for vanga, Okra for bhendi, Bell Pepper, Caper, Farmers Bread, Cottage Cheese....blah blah. Believe me, we would have much leaner people if they named dishes for what they tasted like. But thats the key. You name something cool and it will sell." Done. This girl didn't have a chance. She made a mistake by giving me an opening to this convo. And I snatched the microphone and turned it into my own tonight show.

Man, do I miss the good old times. Looking forward to more khaavi. And even more fun stuff.

"Alien like you"

I know that you don't know
That I know what you know
We've got secrets between us that
Nobody would believe if we told them.
So let the stars all shine.
Let the water make wine.
Cuz broken souls
Will become whole
Tonight
You know its right
So lift your eyes
And let me in
Cuz baby I am an alien...
...Like you
Will you ever wake at night
And realize the reason
Why you knew me then
Is maybe I am an alien
Too?
Would you ever
Let me be an alien with you?

I know that you are leaving
Its hard with the feeling
We must be millions and billions
Of light years away
So let the heavens flare
And lets not be scared
Cuz we know that loves a world
Above this one
Just like the sun.
So lift your eyes
And let me in
Cuz baby I am an alien...
...Like you
Will you ever wake at night
And realize the reason
Why you knew me then
Is maybe I am an alien
Too?
Would you ever
Let me be an alien with you?

Days of solitude are gone
Because we've both spent away too long.
Hearing voices on the radio.
Cant let anybody know
No we cant let anybody know.
So lift your eyes
And let me in
Baby I am an alien...
...Like you.
Will you ever wake at night
And realize the reason
Why you knew me then?
Is maybe I am an alien
Too?
Would you ever
Let me be an alien with you?

"Trash into trash equals trash flavored trash."

"Hello...Am I talking to Mr. Ravi?"
"Uh...yes...you are...".
"Thank You Sir. I am calling on behalf of Citibank. Sir, you have just been specially chosen for a new insurance plan as a reward for being a esteemed Citibank Credit Card holder Sir. Can I go on and inform you of the various features it offers to you as a specially chosen customer?"

I have always been a sucker for these you-are-so-special-to-me/us, you-mean so-much-to-me/us traps. I couldn't resist hearing how special I was to a commercial profit-hungry bank.

"Sure go on..." I heard myself say.
"Sir this is a special Life Insurance plan that you won't be able to buy from the market Sir."
"Ok"
"Sir it provides you with a cover in case of your unfortunate death Sir."
"Well not sure how unfortunate it would be...but go ahead..."
"Yes sir...so sir this plan offers you Life Insurance in case of any kind of death with no processing hassles sir."
"Ok"
"A special feature is our murder and suicide insurance sir. Even if you committ suicide sir, your nominee will get the full cover sir."
"Suicide insurance eh? And I have specially been chosen for this one you say?"
"Yes Sir...specially chosen..."
"So the news is out then?"
"What sir?"
"Never mind...go on please"
"Thank You Sir. So sir, this wonderful new plan, with suicide insurance, will provide your dependants with financial security in the case of your unfortunate death sir. May I know how many dependants you have sir?"
"Well, no one depends on me for anything...if thats what you are asking. I am not needed."
"No sir...not like that. Any spouse..."
"Nope."
"Any children?"
"Really?"
"No sir. What about your parents sir?"
"Ah them."
"Yes sir, them. It will provide them with security and no hassles sir."
"Yea...I'm not sure who depends on whom in that relationship. But I understand. Go on please."
"Thank you sir...you can also choose any third person as your nominee too sir...there are many more features too sir...blah blah blah"

A fat nasty old man once began a conversation with me saying "Assuming you die tomorrow..." That was a sidey local company. This phone dude had all the charm and panache that you'd associate with a glam foreign bank. So he went a step further and addressed me saying "Assuming you kill yourself tomorrow sir...".

And like a naive country boy, I bought into both these guys. At least this call centre guy made me feel like I would be worth something to someone once I died. That someone could be anyone I chose! That did make me feel special. Like I was really the chosen one. It was almost like I won at a lucky dip at a funfair and as a prize, I got to make a wish. No Conditions Apply. Or at least hassle free...as the man said.

So now, I am like a flesh and blood at-par cheque, encashable anytime, issued in favor of those who 'depend' on me. They may not have any particular interest in me being alive. But I have handed them some incentive to bump me off, should they ever get too tired of me. Is that sweetening the deal for anyone to want me? Yea right!

It scares me how much these corporations can change the way we look at things.

In finance, you have loans, and you have repayments. You take loans, and you pay them back. Plus interest. Once you take a loan, there is no escaping the payback. It is usually painful, but there is no easy way out. What repayment is in finance, karma is in life. A perfectly logical and analogous concept, I used to think. But there is one gray area.

In finance, there is also a concept of a write-off. If a person with absolutely no repayment capabilities somehow avails of a loan, there is usually no payback. Just default. The fact that this person didn't deserve a loan is fine, but thats in the past. The fact remains: he offtook that money and is totally incapable of paying it back, even partially. The lender can only write it off now. There is nothing that he can do to make good his loss and so he decides to let it go. The only winner here is the defaulter. The reason? He played so beyond his means that whatever he was worth paled totally in comparison to what he owed. And so it was written off. Had he taken a smaller loan, he would have been pushed and shoved around and nagged to somehow arrange for the payback. Not so for a ridiculously large amount.

The question then, is that can there be a Karmic write-off? You act cruel, and it will come back to you in equal measure (plus interest). Thats the way its supposed to be. But what if you act so cruel that there isn't enough dead weight in the world to balance off your cruelty? Do you enjoy a karmic write-off because you are so depleted of karmic assets that there is no chance of even a substantially partial payback happening? And if it is so, in the short term (read: just this life and not the future reincarnations or whatever) is it advisable to go so overboard with your negative karma that providence has no chance of a significant recovery? Can you expect to be let off the hook?

Well, guess I can think out of the box. And its always good to know you have choices of actions.

Definitely sounds better than abiding tamely.

Snapshots

November 18 2008: Dinner in a fancy French restaurant uptown. Guy and girl, both nervy and edgy, not sure what to expect. Guy crosses his fingers and says it out.

November 17 2009: Dinner in a good Indian restaurant uptown. Girl laughs more than the guy has ever seen before.

One would expect a perfect 'in between' year that was rounded off appropriately.

And one couldn't be more wrong. There is a reason why videos had to be invented: Snapshots didn't do what videos did.

I love the snaps. I hate the video.

Effective Client Engagement vs Things that matter

"Wow, you really can handle that client well. She is such a frikkin bitch. How in the world can you deal with her?" someone in office said to me. And I got thinking, "How CAN I deal with her?" It dawned on me then. I had extensive experience of doing what I had just done, with someone who was not my client, and was most certainly NOT a bitch.

I knew how to deflect things that were said to me...things that were blown out of proportion, things that were hurled at me with needless agression, things that I couldn't make a difference to, things that were said just because the speaker was anal about some stuff, things that didn't warrant a hyperactive ruckus...things that were uttered just because I was annoying the person at the other end by doing nothing particular. I knew how to duck down and let these things go.

But I never ducked down or deflected those words because I didn't care. I did that because I believed in keeping things simple. Vital few versus the trivial many...thats what I called it. 80:20 rule, Pareto...whatever...I thought if I took care of the few major issues, the remaining trivial many didn't matter. And the outcome would still be as desired. And thats how it is. I close my ears and let the client yap about whatever is poking her butthole and do my thing quietly without caring about her stupid words. In the end, the product is as per her expectations and thats what matters, and everyone is happy.

But thats in office. Elsewhere, I learned, the trivial many figure decisively in the final analysis. I felt like asking my friend, "How do you deal with that?"

I would be happier today if I could have kept that someone else satisfied and my client pissed off, rather than the other way round.

Abandoned Love

I can see you turning off the key
I've been deceived by the clown inside of me.
I thought that he was righteous but he's vain
Oh, something's telling me...
...I wear the ball and chain.

Happiness, as I knew it, is long gone
I asked you for a chance, and you scorned
The glowing moon is rising on the hill
But my heart is tellin' me...
...I love ya still.

I come back to the town from the flaming moon
I see you in the streets, I begin to swoon.
I love to see you dress before the mirror
Won't you let me in your room one time...
...Before I finally disappear?

Everybody's wearing a disguise
To hide what they've got behind their eyes.
But me, I can't cover what I am
I can't pretend my eyes are dry...
...When they are damp.

I was such a fool to believe
That you left me because you were peeved
And because to your tune I couldn't dance
But now I know if I was someone else...
..I'd have gotten a second chance

I can march in the parade of liberty
But as long as I love you I'm not free.
How long must I suffer such abuse
Won't you let me see you smile...
...Before I turn you loose?

I've given up the game, I've got to leave,
The pot of gold is only make-believe.
The treasure can't be found by men who search
Whose gods are dead and whose queens...
...Are in the church.

We sat in an empty theater and we kissed,
I asked ya please to cross me off your list.
My head tells me it's time to make a change
But my heart is telling me...
...I love ya but you're strange.

One more time at midnight, near the wall
Take off your heavy make-up and your shawl.
Won't you descend from the throne, from where you sit?
And let me feel your love one more time...
...Before I abandon it.

You wept into my shoulder once, didn't you?
You were afraid your fear of abandonment might come true
That day is nearing soon, like you thought you knew
You're not afraid of it anymore...
...But I am abandoning you.

Haa Haa!

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

'This is it', I thought. 'I am alone'. I looked down the street to be sure. Yes.

I, who philosophized disgrace
And criticized all fears...
Take the rag away from my face.
For now aint the time for my tears

My dad called me today and calmly told me that my grandfather had died. My grandfather was very fond of me and loved it whenever I visited. And I never stopped to even think of it. Today, I miss him. And I feel horrible. I am worried about my mother. She loved her baba more than anyone else in this world. I am tired of people leaving me and dying on me. I am sorry for everything ajoba. I miss you.

Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa to nahin
Shikwa nahin, shikwa nahin, shikwa nahin
Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi to nahin
Zindagi nahin, zindagi nahin, zindagi nahin
Tere bina zindagi se shikwa to nahin...

Ji mein aata hai tere daaman mein
Sar chhupaake hum rote rahe...rote rahe
Ji mein aata hai tere daaman mein
Sar chhupaake hum rote rahe...rote rahe
Teri bhi aankhon mein aansuon ki nami to nahin?

Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa to nahin
Shikwa nahin, shikwa nahin, shikwa nahin
Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi to nahin
Zindagi nahin, zindagi nahin, zindagi nahin

Kaash aesa ho, tere kadmon se
Chunke manzil chalein, aur kahin...door kahin
Kaash aesa ho, tere kadmon se
Chunke manzil chalein, aur kahin...door kahin
Tum gar saath ho, manzilon ki kami to nahin

Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa to nahin
Shikwa nahin, shikwa nahin, shikwa nahin
Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi to nahin
Zindagi nahin, zindagi nahin, zindagi nahin
Tere bina zindagi se shikwa to nahin...

Tum jo keh do to aaj ki raat
Chaand doobega nahin, raat ko...rok lo
Tum jo keh do to aaj ki raat
Chaand doobega nahin, raat ko...rok lo
Raat ki baat hai, aur zindagi baaqi to nahin

Tere bina zindagi se koi shikwa to nahin
Shikwa nahin, shikwa nahin, shikwa nahin

Tere bina zindagi bhi lekin zindagi to nahin
Zindagi nahin, zindagi nahin, zindagi nahin

Tere bina zindagi se shikwa...

Things and such...

I got a new cellphone once. As a gift. I was very excited. It had all the features I needed and it was the first brand new phone I had ever used. True to my roots, I didn't even take off the plastic coating it had on its screen for the first few weeks. I took great care of it. I made sure all my keys and coins and pens and everything went in one pcket and the phone went in another. All this because it was new.

Then, a few weeks after I had got the phone, I was in a hurry to get somewhere. I quickly put my keys in my right pocket and rushed. I didn't realize the phone was in the same pocket. Later on, I saw some scratches on its surface. It didn't feel good. "But" I told myself, "its only the surface. As long as the phone works well, the scratches shouldn't matter".

A few weeks later, I was talking to someone while fidgeting with the phone. The phone fell out of my hand, on to the floor. It picked up some more scratches. And I felt bad. But less than the first time. The newness was wearing off.

Soon, the phone began to take tumbles more often. The plastic coating had come out ages ago. My keys left more scars on its surface and I routinely pushed coins into my pocket, rubbing it against the phone. I kept telling myself, "as long as it performs well...thats all that matters."

Soon, it wasn't just the cosmetic damage anymore. I spilt some hot coffee on it on one occasion. On another, I flung the phone towards the bed, missed it and it came apart. I didn't even bother to think about what was happening to the phone now. Because it wasn't new anymore.

Then, one day, I noticed the phone was in less than ordinary shape. It had scratches all over. The screen wasn't looking as bright as before. The battery had started dying quicker. I had no choice but to acknowledge that I had been quite shoddy. What started with just a scratch on the surface and caused mere cosmetic damage had grown to cause irreparable damage to the phone itself. And I had remained unperturbed so far because I was taking things for granted. I had gotten too comfortable with things and didn't bother about the upkeep of what was once a very beautiful thing.

I realized this. And then I realized something else. It wasn't just the phone...

"I am not sad..."

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others - the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would sleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere, with someone. I am not sad...

Trapped

There ought to be a word to describe that inexplicable empty feeling that you feel in your stomach sometimes. When you just want to curl up and die. When you don't feel like living anymore, simply because there might be more misery than you have already seen.

If you don't have the guts to die, you want to do the next best thing. Leave everything and just go where no one can find you. You want hit that cold gray road, alone, and walk till your feet go numb and you can't feel them anymore. You want to walk on that road, emblazoned with sharp, spiky, jagged metal pieces and crinkled broken glass with shards so thin that you can't even point out where they sliced into your skin to cause you the intense pain you feel. You want the howling wind and the harsh sheets of frozen rain to lash against your naked chest. And you want the cold to pierce your skin and drill into your bones to make you feel totally incapacitated to fight. Just so that you can find out how much of this cruel pain you are able to take. When really, you wish that you cross that limit and all this just ends. You find that you are really really sick and hold a twisted desire to be a masochist. At least that would make you like pain. And there seems to be so much of it. Would it be a little better if you liked the misery? But most of all you want to resist the temptation of believing in all those colors, fragrances, smiles, happiness and beauty of this world. Because deep down you know, that all of it is just a very flimsy facade that shabbily conceals the vast ugliness of this world.

As you walk naked on that dead, dark, and quiet road, it all flashes by you. The misery, the pain, the suffering, the lies, naivette, the regrets, the censure, and the condemnation. And there are some flashes of the 'happy' times when the pain was missing. You are actually afraid of those times now because should you have to face them again, you don't how you would measure up. Happiness and positivity seem like such a big lie that you think you can never pretend to buy into it again. But you don't want to think of that. Right now you just want to keep trudging into the arms of the only loyal friend you seem to have. Pain. It always lurked in the shadows and you knew it would be there throughout your life. You can't imagine a time when it is not around and now you have grown to like it. That's the only truth you know. It is cliched, but while the going is good, your friends know who you are. And when the going is tough, you know who your friends are.

You hate yourself when you realize you are able to look at all the innocence and beauty around you and scoff at its seasonality and temporariness. You are unable to laugh a truly happy laugh and you can't enjoy anything anymore. You can only smile to yourself when you think of how all the beauty and innocence will die soon and pain and suffering will take over. The only constant.

Theres a new game you play with yourself. You enter a room full of happy people and start guessing when each of those people will die or become miserable. You make small bets with yourself and celebrate when you get it right. And then you feel sick and nauseated with yourself. And the cycle repeats.

"I know the pieces can fit together perfectly...cuz I have watched them fall apart."

Reason, Season, and a Lifetime...By Anonymous

"People walk into your life for one of three spells. Some come for a reason, some for a season...and some for a lifetime.

People who come in for a Reason are the ones we usually call godsends. Thats because they are. They come into our lives when we pray for something or need something desperately...when we need support, physical, emotional, or spiritual. When we absolutely need another person to come to the party and take the scene by storm, they arrive. We pray, and providence answers. These people usually have a stunning impact on us. We are unable to process anything around them. We reel under their charm and they make us feel ecstatic. Thats what they are there for. They are there for a Reason.

Then, uneventfully, they walk out. Nothing has to happen for them to walk out. Our relationship with them just ends. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. The reason for them coming into our lives is served. Our prayers have been answered and now we both have to move on.

People who come for a Season do so because its our turn to learn something from others. It can be something we have not been fortunate enough to learn, something we have a wrong perception about, or simply something totally new. They walk into our lives and bring us experience or laughter. We realize, as we are with them, that we are changing into someone that we wouldn't have been able to, by ourselves. We learn a lot. And we grow. These people bring us tremendous amount of joy. But only for a season. And seasons change. People change too and it can't be helped. The experiences though stay with us for a while after these people leave.

And there are those who come into our lives for a lifetime. Their arrival is rarely ceremonious. They walk into our lives and we barely take notice. They may not have the most beaming personalities or a charismatic aura. They are usually regular people who grow on you and you get comfortable. You get used to having them around and a bond develops. Something that can't be explained but can be clearly felt. Our interaction with them teaches us lessons for a lifetime. Our job is to simply be a good student and learn these lessons well. We should love these people and apply the learning in all our relationships. These people will never walk out on you. You can try to shut them out, but you can do so only physically. This relationship, being one of a lifetime, will be fraught with change, acceptance, regret, and realization.

The key is to identify which persons in our life are there for reasons, seasons, and a lifetime. The catch here is that if we try hard enough, we can convert one kind to the other. Because, and the bottom line remains, people change. And yet, this conversion is time bound. Once people leave, it is very difficult to get them back.

The tragedy of life is that we often cannot identify some people correctly. Thats because the length of these spells cannot be predicted. Reasons may last for years and seasons for decades. A lifetime can be lived through moments separated from each other by years. Its not all clean cut and thats what makes it difficult to identify.

So make sure you let go the ones who were there for a reason, learn from the ones who were there for a season, and keep the ones who are there for a lifetime."

Last evening I had a classic Freudian slip. When I wanted to say "Can I please borrow your pen for just a second", I ended up saying, "Why don't you just get the fuck out of my life forever you asshole?"

Girl who lived near that river shore

You don't get it till you lose it
But by then its past the hour
Has anyone ever felt this?
The sweetness in your mouth turn sour

There is a whole lot I want to write about
My hearts like a well stocked emotion store
There was a time when someone wanted this and didn't get it
It was the girl who lived near that river shore

Some of us turn off the lights and we live
In the moonlight shooting by
Some of us scare ourselves to death in the dark
To be where the angels fly

Pretty maids all in a row lined up
Outside my cabin door
I've never valued any of them wanting me
Except the girl who lived near that river shore

Well I sat by her side and for a while I tried
To make that girl my wife
She gave me her best advice and she said
"Go home and lead a lonely life"

Well I've been to the east and I've been to the west
And I've been out where the black winds roar
Somehow though I never did get that far
With the girl who lived near that river shore

Well I look back now and think
Of how I treated her and the wrongs I have done
I want to blame my pain on somebody else
But now I look around to find only me and no one

She only expected me to love her the way she deserved
And I kid myself saying I was so different at my core
But I've learnt the hard way what I really wanted
Was to make a queen, of the girl who lived near that river shore

Well I knew when I first laid eyes on her
I could never be free
One look at her and I thought right away
She would always be with me

Well that dream dried up a long time ago
Don't know where it is anymore
True to me, but truer to her life
Was the girl who lived near that river shore

Well I'm wearing the cloak of misery
And I've tasted jilted love
And the frozen smile upon my face
Fits me like a glove

Well I can't escape from the memory
Of the one that I'll always adore
All those nights when I lay in the arms
Of the girl who lived near that river shore

Well we're living in the shadows of a fading past
Trapped in the fires of time
I've tried not to ever hurt anybody
And to stay out of the life of crime

But when it's all been said and done
I never did know the score
And now each new day is another day away
From the girl who lived near that river shore

Well I'm a stranger here in a strange land
But I know this is where I belong
I ramble and gamble for the one I love
And these hills will give me a song

Though nothing now looks familiar to me
I know I've lived there before
Once a thousand nights ago
With the girl who lived near that river shore

Well I went back to see about her once
Went back to straighten it out
Everybody that I talked to had seen us together
Said now they didn't know who I was talking about

Well the sun went down on me a long time ago
I've had to pull back from the door
I wish I could've spent every hour of my life
With the girl who lived near that river shore

Now today its all different
I know now how I treated her all wrong
But she doesn't know it 'cuz now she is too distant
I wish I could stir her heart with this song

I don't deserve another chance with all I've done
But that doesn't stop me from yearning for an encore
I am sure I will keep someone happy forever and do everything
If she only resembles the girl who lived near that river shore

Now I've heard about a guy who lived a long time ago
A man full of sorrow and strife
That if someone around him died and was dead
He knew how to bring him on back to life

Well I don't know what kind of language he used
Or if they do that kind of thing anymore
Sometimes I think nobody ever saw me at all
Except the girl who lived near that river shore

I hate watching the sun come up dawn after dawn with tears in my eyes.
I have never known the spring to turn so quickly into autumn.

Walk on by

When you see me walkin' down the street
And I start to cry each time we meet,
Walk on by, walk on by
Make believe you don't see the tears
Just let me breathe and cry
'Cause each time I think of you I want to die
So just walk on by

I just can't get over losing you
So if I seem broken and blue,
Walk on by, Walk on by
Beautiful memories is all that I have left
So let me hide the tears and sadness
That you gave me when you left me high and dry
Walk on bye, Walk on bye

TravelGuide

Is there anyone waiting for me there?
Why am I traveling then, where am I getting at?
Feels like I should just stop for the night,
These moments I am losing, won't return, I am sure about that.

Those tender moments have already passed,
And those nights have been relegated to memories,
She has forgotten, I better forget too,
The affection and those cute allegories

There's only emptiness now, where we once had hours to chat
Why am I traveling then, where am I getting at?

Nobody's anywhere, waiting for me to arrive,
The time I am alone, its hard to even keep a record!
No one's feelin' my pain, its like being stung by a hive
And there's not even a tear that she can afford!

In my own hometown, I feel like an expat,
Why am I traveling then, where am I getting at?

Happiness is an illusion,
Its like ripples in a lake
Everyone has seen 'em, everyone knows 'em
But they are there for no one to take

You can't have it forever, whether you are humble about it or a brat
Why am I traveling then, where am I getting at?

Is there anyone waiting for me there?
Why am I traveling then, where am I getting at?
Feels like I should just stop for the night,
These moments I am losing, won't return, I am sure about that.

"Not Dark Yet..."

Shadows are falling and I've been here all day
It's too hot to sleep; time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I've still got the scars that the sun didn't heal
There's not even room enough to be anywhere
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

Well my sense of humanity has gone down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing, there's been some kind of pain
She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind
She put down in writing what was in her mind
I just don't see why I should even care
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

Well, you can be in London or you can be in Paris'
You follow a river and you will get to the sea
I've been down on the bottom of a world full of lies
I ain't looking for nothing in anyone's eyes
Sometimes my burden seems more than I can bear
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there

I was born this way and I'll die against my will
I know it looks like I'm moving, but I'm standing still
Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb
I can't even remember what it was I came here to get away from
Don't even hear, a murmur of a prayer
It's not dark yet, but it's getting there.

Stop this world, I want to get off.

"If you see her..."

If you see her, say hello, she might be somewhere near
She left for it early summer; is livin' there, I hear
Say for me that I'm all right though things get kind of slow
She might think that I've forgotten her, don't tell her it isn't so.

We had a falling-out, like lovers often will
And to think of how she left that night, it still brings me a chill
And though our separation, it pierced me to the heart
She still lives inside of me, we've never been apart.

If you get close to her, kiss her once for me
I always have respected her for doing what she did and gettin' free
Oh, whatever makes her happy, I won't stand in the way
Though the bitter taste still lingers on from the night I tried to make her stay.

I see a lot of people but I don’t see her face
And I hear her name here and there as I go from place to place
And I've never gotten used to it, I've just learned to turn it off
Either I'm too sensitive or else I'm gettin' soft.

Sundown, yellow moon, I replay the past
I know every scene by heart, they all went by so fast
If she's passin' back this way, I'm not that hard to find
Tell her she can look me up if she's ever got the time.

"I'll remember you"

I'll remember you
When I've forgotten all the rest,
You to me were true,
You to me were the best.
Although when there should have been something more,
You cut to the core
Quicker than anyone I knew.
When I'm all alone
In the great unknown,
I'll remember you.

I'll remember you
At the end of the trail,
I had so much left to do,
I had so little time to fail.
When the roses fade
And I'm in the shade,
I'll remember you.

Didn't I, didn't I try to love you?
Didn't I, didn't I try to care?
Didn't I sleep, didn't I weep beside you
With the rain blowing in your hair?

I'll remember you
When the wind blows through the wood.
It was you who came right through,
It was you who understood.
Though I'd never say
That I done it the way
That you'd have liked me to.
In the end,
My dear sweet friend,
I'll remember you.

Of old friends and times...

He walked on the sidewalk. Alone. His mind was filled with thoughts. He couldn't hear the rustling of the dry August leaves as they lay there on the sidewalk. His feet trampled on them causing a low crackling sound. He didn’t notice that either. He just kept staring at the slope on the road. He remembered the countless times he had walked up that slope as a child. The trees on both sides of the road seemed so old now. But then they were. They had been there before him and looked like they would be there forever. It didn’t look like things had changed for those trees at all. Sure they must have had nests where birds laid their eggs, hatched babies, fed them, and watched them disappear across the horizon. But apart from that, things looked the same for the trees. They must have all seen the sun rise and set each day for the last several decades. They must have seen scores of young children ambling to school somberly and back from school ecstatically. They must have seen generations of kids ride their bikes and play in the lonely lane for years. Had anything really changed for them at all? Well, they had grown old. Like him. But differently. The trees had grown old gracefully. They seemed at peace with themselves. Unlike him. He could feel himself growing old each day. And he hated it. He wished he could grow old doing what he liked. There was a time in the past when he had got caught in the high stakes' game. He made himself believe that he had dreams and he had to pursue them. This pursuit took him away from his beloved lane. The trees and the mountains tried hard to stop him and begged for his companionship. He could not hear their pleadings. He believed he had bigger things to achieve.

Today when he came back after 15 long years, he had no such airs. He was grateful that the trees and the mountains and the houses accepted him like always. He could see how much had changed in these years. Yet it all looked so familiar. He instantly felt at ease when he started trudging that ol’ lane of his. There was the house of the mean lady who always yelled at them. Next to it was the house where the jolly old grandma stayed. She used to invite him and his friends over for lemonade and cookies on those hot summer afternoons after they were done with their game. Could she still be around? Would she recognize him?

There was a teenaged couple walking aimlessly on the other side of the road. He could read their thoughts like a book. Their innocent love reminded him of his own teens. He watched them disappear into the wooded park off the road. It was the same wooded park where Jim and he used to go exploring on wintry afternoons. They saw birds and ducks and the pond and the trees. They had countless questions about each of them. Most of them were still unanswered.

Then he saw it. His own house. The beautiful place that had made him what he was today. He saw it from the street and felt tears well up in his eyes. Could this be real? Could he be standing in front of his own little home after all these years? The building had so much character. He felt so small. How could he have left it? All those years came rushing back to him. He couldn't hold back his tears. It is a crushing feeling to realize that all you really wanted was always righ there when you were searching for it outside. It wasn’t the same though. Jim no longer stayed next door. There wasn’t the air of familiarity where he could walk into Jim’s bedroom and spend hours doing nothing. He wished that Jim would come back one day and stay next door again. He yearned for that. Kids no longer played outside till dark. There weren’t any mothers chasing their kids.

He went around the house to the backyard. It looked so small now. He couldn't believe he used to get tired running around that tiny backyard. And there was the tree. His tree. Even that looked smaller now. It was definitely frail. He walked across the yard to the tree and hugged it and began to weep.

Life had come a full circle for him. He was where he started from and was happier than ever. He missed all this. And he missed his tree. He felt like he had wronged it somehow. Even after it begged him to stay, he had left it to grow old alone.

But now, he saw it all. In the fading light of the dusk, he could see things properly. Autumn leaves fell gently on the ground and a slight chilly breeze began to blow. Birds were returning to their nests. He was hugging his tree and lights were quietly coming on in the houses on the street. He let his tears flow down freely and silently made a promise to himself that fading evening.