DISGUST ALERT. Graphic details of something that should probably never be discussed appear below.

Here’s a list of reasons why I am better than about 99% of the men in office (and probably in the universe in general), if we were to judge them on their real selves that they let loose in the mens room several times each day. Yup, the culprits of the following (should-be) crimes cover 99 out of 100 men around me. No exaggeration. I have been trying to be as lenient as possible hoping I can somehow find at least some guys who don’t flounder on any of the items in the list. Yet, instead of finding more guys, I only find more items to add to this list!

Spitters, hocklers, snorters, etc. They discharge stuff from their mouths (spit, phlegm, bits of food stuck in their teeth, etc.), into the urinal, before they begin to actually pee in it. It is just too disgusting, to everyone around. Is that a balancing act or something? Like every time they go to discharge something from their dicks, they need to balance it with something from their mouths too? I wonder if these people also pee in the wash basin when they go to brush their teeth?

The Jerkers. After the deed is done or when it is nearly complete, they tend to hold their dicks, and jerk violently. Their whole body shakes! Right from their back, the shoulder, the whole arm, elbow, forearm, wrist, fist (presumably), and fingers. What is wrong, people? I don’t quite believe your pee is so thick and viscous, that you need to shake it off like that. How about a doctor?

The Perfectionists. They believe in clearing out any potential obstacle posed by their paraphernalia, to have an unfettered leak. The belt, buttons, hooks, the trousers themselves, and hitherto tucked in shirt…they all come off. It’s like these people were late to the demo that the guy who invented zippers was delivering.

The Ocean Sounders. People who ignore acoustics and don’t bother making an effort to avoid the inordinately loud, disgusting, gushing sound. I can understand if this happens with women. But shouldn’t men exercise some navigation, given our anatomies? Just maneuver it a bit to find that angle of incidence of the stream on the urinal walls so that you don't give us the illusion of a waterfall. Sometimes, it is so loud, I can imagine the froth and what not!

The Peer Reviewers. Let’s assume a loo has 4 urinals on the wall, one next to the other. I go in, see all of them empty. So I go to the absolute last one. A guy comes in next, looks around. Now there are 3 terminals available to him. He can choose any one of them. But he chooses the one immediately next to mine! WTF dude? Keep some distance. If we were at the movies and the hall were almost empty when I came in, should I come up right next to you and occupy the seat adjacent to where you are sitting? Or should I try and sit as far away from you as possible? There is a lesson there!

The Hobnobs. Social butterflies who engage you in idle chit chat while they are midstream. It could be anything. Casual social enquiries, gossip, general cribbing etc. Now I don’t know why I have a problem with this, but I think I deserve to be understood. If I don’t respond, completely ignore, or sometimes even appear disgusted with you, I shouldn’t be judged. Cuz what you are doing is NOT NORMAL. And honestly, I don’t think we are that busy, ever. If it is something you need to discuss, put your dick back in and we can discuss it like civilized people. If it is not that important, we shouldn’t discuss it ever!

The Stargazers. These folks actually mind their own business. And quite seriously at that. From the time it comes out, to the moment it goes back in, they just put their heads down and focus. They admire their assets. Sometimes, even fantasize perhaps. I dunno. What is to observe? I really don’t know. But it is very weird to see a person you know stare at their penis so fondly a few inches away from you.

The Fake Washers. Note: I can see how some people think it is ok to not wash their hands sometimes. I don’t approve, at all, however. But the people in this category are slightly different. They use one hand to hold it. But they wash the other! Unknowingly! That’s cuz they are washing their hands for society’s sake. While I respect the effort, you need to do a better job. People like me, while very few, notice. And classify you. This category also includes those who wait in line at the wash basin, and spend those few seconds brushing their hair with said hand. What’s the point after that, I ask. Unless you also take a shower right there. And some of them offer a handshake with the same hand when they see you in there. Thankewwverymuch I say.

The Escapists. I swear I have seen people take strolls in our loos. People walk in, undo their zippers, and wait. That’s right! They wait. There is a complete absence of activity for several seconds, almost minutes, you’d think, before you hear an apology for a stream. You couldn’t have acted on that call man! Come on! What are you running from? The boss? The work? Someone else? You know what, next time you take a leak to unwind from your mad mad world, think about how privileged you are. There are men in Africa who don’t get even one good pee a day. Ok, the Africa guilt trip doesn’t exactly apply here. But I’m sure there are people out there who want to pee at that very moment, but can’t for whatever reason. Think about them.

The Nonflushers. I think these folks have a superiority complex. They feel their pee is better and cleaner than ours. And they don't need to flush it like the rest of us. I'm sure these arrogant men were the reason the auto-janitor had to be invented. Bonus asshole points if you are a spitter and a non flusher! And I'm not kidding, there are tonnes of them out there.

The Half Squatters. This is probably way too common to still be weird you’d think. But I fail to get it. People walk into the loo, face the urinal, undo their zippers, and before they whip it out, they do a quick half squat! Like they are enabling it to jump over some hurdle or something. In all my years, I have never ever felt the need to do this. The longest known penis in the world is 14 inches. And I have visualized it. Even that gentleman probably doesn’t have to adjust himself for this most natural of ablutions. So why do so many people do it? Do they maintain their penises in the wrong positions or what? Or are they wearing a metal cup or something, just in case someone kicks them in nuts for being superjerks in other walks of life too? Hmmm…

The Gum Spitters. These people should be in cages. Period. I could have included them in the generic spitters category above. But they are too audacious to fall there. They know that gum doesn’t dissolve or get flushed through the 6 small round holes. Yet they spit it in there. And then it gets clogged. And some poor soul has to get his day ruined by fixing it. Just arrrggghhhh!

Now, I can proudly say, that I don’t fall in ANY of these categories. While that is not saying much, considering how base some of these are, that does qualify me in the top one percent of men around me. Seriously, the amount of feel good it brings is something to experience.

Now this list has gotten long enough. So I am going to drop some really gross categories related to pubes and such (see? that’s how lenient I am). But suffice to know that there are even more categories out there! As an optimist, I hope this list shortens in the future, or at least doesn't grow longer than it already is. But I know humanity has a way of surprising and disappointing me consistently. So I just hope I am never in a mood to update this again.